My life has been a whirlwind lately. There are days that I feel as if I am torn in a hundred directions. There are days that I just feel like I am not enough. Do you ever have those days? Of course you do. It is human nature.
When I first started this blog, I really had nothing to occupy my time. I had recently stopped working, and was homeschooling my kids. That’s it. My house was clean. The laundry was caught up-ish. I was always looking for something to do to occupy my time.
Then, I helped start a Homeschool Co-op in my county. While it isn’t a lot of work, we suddenly had more to do. But, I didn’t have enough. So, I started reviewing books. Still yet, I had a lot of spare time. So, I signed up to review homeschool curriculum, thinking it would be a long-shot that I would get chosen. Guess what? I got chosen. As if that isn’t enough on my plate, I have started going back to school. I started two weeks ago, already one week behind. I had to get through three chapters worth of material in five days, and I feel like I am barely treading water.
I love all of the things that I am doing, but I feel as if I am buried deep in it all. This is the pattern of my life. I am never content just doing enough. I have to be in it all with a million things to occupy my time. In high school, I was in so many clubs and activities. I was in accelerated classes and had to be on the top of Accelerated Reader lists. In college, I always took the maximum credit hours, and often took online classes from other universities so that I could do more. In my teaching job, I was always involved with other activities. I coached, assisted, was in charge or coordinating activities. If something needed done, I did it.
I’m not sure why I have always been this kind of person. If I had to take a guess I would say it’s because I don’t ever feel like I am enough. I feel like I lack in so many areas that I try to “make up” for the areas that I lack in. I have to be the best and do more so that I can prove my worth.
I wish I could tell the younger me that my worth isn’t determined by the things that I did/do. I wish I could tell the younger me that I am so much more than straight A’s and a full agenda. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a friend. Yet, I am so much more than these titles. I am a child of God. Everything I do, and everything I am, comes from Him. 2 Corinthians 3:5 says “Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God.”
Being the best and being the most mean nothing in the grand scheme of His plan for my life. Proverbs 3:5-6 says to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
When I feel like I am not enough, when I feel like I have to do more, I need to remind myself of these things. I need to remind myself of His love.