Time Machine

Yesterday, I turned thirty-six years old. That is 13,150 days. During those 13,150 days, I have lived for approximately 1,136,160,000 seconds. Each of those seconds is a moment that has allowed me the opportunity to be who I am today.

Lately I have been thinking about moments of my life that I would travel back to if I could. Good moments and bad moments. Moments that I just want to relive and moments that I would want to changed. If I had a time machine, when would I go back to?

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the moment I was born so that I could see my moms face when she first saw me. Some of my favorite pictures to look at of newborn babies are actually the moments when the mom sees the baby for the first time. Their faces are memorable. So full of emotion, and love.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to those moments when our family would gather on the large front porch. It was full of laughter, music, and time seemed to stop.

If I had a time machine, I would travel to the moments of sleepovers with my best friend. We swore we would always be besties. We laughed, cried, fought and laughed some more.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the times we spent fishing on the banks of a lake. The days seemed endless and the nights were full of the sound of nature.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the times that I spent in the creek hunting crawdads with my uncle. The sun shining, the cool water at our feet.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the first moment that I met my husband. Standing in that high school hallway, with that smile on his face.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to my high school graduation. Standing there with my lifelong friend, both of us crying, knowing that our lives were changing.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to my wedding, to the moment when the preacher asked who gives this woman away. To the moment when my daddy just held on. At the time I was so nervous and eager that I didn’t realize the emotions he must have felt.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to my very first day of teaching. To have that feeling of accomplishment and wonder again.

If I had a time machine, I would travel back to the very last conversation that I had with my daddy. I replay it in my mind all the time, but over the years it has lost the sound of his voice.

If I had a time machine, I would travel to the day I met my children. That rush of love and joy and pride.

If I had a time machine, I would travel to the day we adopted our children to see all of those people who prayed for us and with us through our journey.

All of those moments are joyous, and moments that I remember with fondness. However, there are moments in the my life that I wouldn’t want to travel to.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t travel to the moment that my innocence was lost forever at the hands of the predator. I relive that moment enough.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t travel to the moment that my dad died, when my heart shattered into a million pieces.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t travel to any of the moments when I lost my chance at motherhood.

If I had a time machine, I wouldn’t travel to the day my uncle died, and so did my childhood.

If I had a time machine I could change so many things in my life. I could stop things from happening, however, if I did, I wouldn’t be right here in this moment. I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I wouldn’t be the person that I am. Everything that I have been through — both good and bad — are my story. Every good story has conflict, but in the end it has resolution as well. I choose to focus on the resolutions. I choose to the let good outweigh the bad. I am growing and changing every single day. I don’t need a time machine to change anything, because ultimately it would change me.

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