“Ignore the mess.” Those would be the first words I would speak to you if you were to enter my home, with me receiving prior knowledge of your visit. Despite the fact that I would have spent hours cleaning. Dusting, mopping, lighting candles and washing windows. You would see a house that is put together, but I would see the mess. The speck of dirt in the floor, or the smudges on the wall from boys who play in the mud. I would see the flaws of my house, and I would apologize for them, because anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
If you were to show up to my house unannounced, I would be mortified. There would bound to be dishes in the sink, laundry on the couch and so many other cluttered messes that would make me cringe. I would be so anxious at the state of my house that I could not truly enjoy the visit. I would feel judged.
“Ignore the mess.” I feel like I need to say this to anymore who enters my life right now. Despite the fact that I spend hours working on it. Praying, worrying, organizing. You see me and think I am put together, but I know the mess. The anxiety that weighs so heavy on my body and mind, the feelings of not being enough or doing enough. Those I let down daily. I see the flaws in myself, and I feel like I need to apologize for myself, because anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
If you were to show up in my life unannounced, I would be mortified. You would see my greasy hair in a ponytail because there are days that I am so mentally exhausted that I cannot find the energy to shower. You would see me short-tempered because I would feel the weight of the world crashing down.
Life is like a house. There are moments when it shines and glistens and everything is where it should be. Then there are moments when it is messy, and we are stuffing things in drawers or closets to hide it from the guests of our lives.
The truth of the matter is, if you are in my life right now, you are in the middle of the mess. Chances are I have dropped the ball with you in some way, by not reaching out in a time of need, or cancelling plans at the last minute. I have dropped the ball by not being what you have needed from me, but do not feel alone. Don’t take it personal. I have dropped the ball so many times by trying to be everything to everyone and I simply can’t keep up.
This is the messiest my life has ever been. I am juggling and struggling. Doctor’s appointments, schedules, illnesses, family, friends, and my own insecurities. I know that this is just a phase, and soon my messiness will be just a memory. But for now, it is my reality. Someday, when the kids are grown and I don’t have those smudges on the wall, I will miss it. Someday, I will miss juggling sports schedules. This is just my messy phase–my building phase. I am remodeling my life, and just like any remodel project, there is bound to be a mess.